Why I decided not to pursue the American Dream?
For context: I decided to stop applying for my green card and move back to Europe after living and working in USA for 7 years. I was in USA first on the student visa F1 and then on the working visa H1B.
Standing in the middle of my room before my journey back to Europe from Los Angeles right after the pandemic was over, surrounded by palm trees and an endless ocean view from my balcony, I felt… nothing. In that moment, I knew the American Dream wasn’t mine to chase.
I arrived in the USA with no great expectations. It was a very spontaneous decision. I never thought I wanted to go to the USA, but when the opportunity presented itself, I was ready for the adventure. They say ‘the American Dream,’ but frankly, it was never my dream. It became one only after I got there because it felt like the most logical thing to do at the time.
Wanting more
It was 2018, and I was living in the Netherlands. It was one year after I had finished my master’s program, and I needed a change. On one hand, I was dreaming of warm places with palm trees; on the other hand, I really wanted to break into tech. I couldn’t find the job I wanted, and I felt like something needed to happen to pull me out of my current situation.
And it did happen, although I had to create my own luck, as they say. I went to Barcelona to present my graduation work, where I met someone who was living in California at the time. I received an invitation, and I accepted it. I was definitely surprised that my literal wonders actually came true.
I decided to pursue an educational program first and then find a job. And I did, in the consulting space. I won the work visa lottery, allowing me to stay a little longer as long as I had a job. Life was showing me that this was the opportunity I should take, so I stayed. I got another job after three and a half years in a field I had never dreamed of. This was the peak of my dreams — until I wanted more.
Reasons for when my American Dream started to crumble
Pandemic era
It was 2020 when the world turned upside down. At the time, I was in Singapore on a project (you can read a full story here about my experience during pandemic in Singapore). I remember how suffocated I felt, sitting in a hotel room, unable to go into the city or see my colleagues. Life was miserable. Singapore took Covid-19 very seriously, with many regulations in place. I remember talking to my friends about what life was like in the USA. I felt like I could have more freedom there, so I decided to fly back and never look back. I bought tickets on my birthday — a ticket to freedom as a gift to myself.
In the USA, I felt much better, with roommates, parties, and the ability to walk to the store or the beach. Life felt almost normal. But then the borders remained closed for far longer than anyone anticipated. I was literally stuck in the USA for a couple of years, and it hurt. It scared me — ‘What if this happens again?’ I knew I wouldn’t want to be stuck in one place for too long. I never want to be stuck anywhere. I want to see my family whenever I need to. I don’t want to miss the precious years of being together. Additionally, I wouldn’t want to risk my employment just because I want to go home. That experience left a lasting mark on my perspective about staying longer in a place far from home, in case another border closure happens in the future.
Visit in Europe
After the pandemic was over, I returned to Europe, and the moment I stepped back into Amsterdam, I knew I wanted to stay for good. I felt like, ‘Nothing else is going to happen for me in the USA. I’ve already experienced what I needed to experience.’ I wanted to be closer to what I love the most. Just as I once felt the need to leave the Netherlands, I now felt the need to return. My time in the USA was over.
Around the time I was back in Europe, I met someone who helped me create a solid plan to come home. And here I am, writing about these crazy past few years from Rotterdam, the Netherlands. I’m back home, and I must say, it feels good to follow your gut instead of the logic that would have kept me in the USA, getting a green card and pushing my luck to the limits. I always wanted to be the wise woman who makes the ‘right’ decisions, but I need to remember what brought me to where I am now. It was that childlike dreaming about the unachievable. It was never dictated by what’s most logical, but by what I really want to do, deep inside.
Living alone
After many years of living with roommates, I had a wild dream of living alone. I fantasized about a clean house that I could control, with no one disturbing my peace. That paradise lasted for about a year, during which I genuinely enjoyed being on my own. But after that year, I started to feel a noticeable lack of people around me. Each time I traveled back home, I loved having family nearby. Working remotely wasn’t as lonely when I could chat with someone whenever I wanted — almost like taking a coffee break at the office. But when you live alone, there’s nowhere to go and no one to talk to. My nearest escape was the local supermarket — Ralphs — where I would go during lunch breaks just to experience some sense of ‘humanity.’ Deep down, I knew I couldn’t continue living like this forever. It was making me deeply unhappy. We are social beings, whether we want to admit it or not.
Commute
When you live alone and don’t have a car in Los Angeles, you’re basically stuck in one place. The public transportation system is practically nonexistent, and the few buses or metro options that do exist are often dangerous due to the crime that happens on them. It’s not a paradise for a single woman.
I had to rely on Uber to get everywhere since I was living in the southern part of the Los Angeles area. I chose this far-off location for its safety and peacefulness. However, my little ‘paradise’ turned into two years of isolation from any real life. If it weren’t for travel and work, I would describe the last two years as ‘vegetation.’ It was not the happiest period of my life. I kept dreaming of living in a place where I could commute like a normal person and feel safe — a city built with humans in mind.
I vividly remember a commute I took from Koreatown in Los Angeles to Palos Verdes. The bus route went through every possible neighborhood, stopping every minute. The turnover of passengers was high — some looked trustworthy, others less so. I remember trying not to stare at anyone, pretending to be busy on my phone, and praying for my safety. It was torture, and I promised myself I would never take public transportation for long distances again. The news is full of stories about stabbings and violence, and it does wonders with your brain — you become programmed to fear the people around you.
Remote work
When you live alone and work remotely, you become quite alienated from social life unless you make deliberate efforts to go out, meet friends, or even talk to your neighbors. You’re essentially immersed in the virtual world — 24/7 on your laptop, watching YouTube, and silently existing in your room, making sporadic sounds just to check if you still have a voice. Working remotely for a couple of years has drastically changed my perspective on office life. I miss it and believe that working closely with colleagues is highly underrated.
When your job is entirely virtual, you start to question your living conditions. You wonder whether you need to be where you are, if you want to live alone, and whether you’re truly happy with your living situation. With no local ties to your job, you start to ask yourself: Why should I stick to my old living circumstances?
Walkable cities
I never thought of walking in the city as a luxury or privilege until I moved to the USA. The distances are enormous. In the USA, you can end up with friends living an hour away by car, which wouldn’t be so surprising if there were reliable public transport to get you to your destinations. Take the Netherlands as an example: a journey from Rotterdam to Amsterdam might take an hour, but you have an efficient train system to get you there. In contrast, I often needed to take an Uber for an hour-long ride just to see my friends — hardly convenient.
Los Angeles is not a walking-friendly city. It’s designed for cars, with everything spread out and streets that aren’t particularly pedestrian-friendly. In many areas, you’ll encounter homeless individuals and their encampments. On the flip side, people in LA love to hike, which is wonderful. The natural beauty in the USA is outstanding, and it’s great to see people taking advantage of that.
Feeling of safety
When I returned to Europe after the pandemic, I recall feeling a relief at not being paranoid about being on the streets. I could use public transport without fearing for my safety and felt like a normal citizen again. The USA had instilled in me a certain sense of paranoia about personal safety. It wasn’t just the news and social media — it was the feeling you get when walking the streets. People behave irrationally; some are homeless, some have mental health issues, and others don’t. Los Angeles, being a city designed for cars, has few pedestrians, so when you do walk, you’re often surrounded by those whose lives revolve around the streets.
I want to acknowledge that I might be exaggerating, or that my perspective may be influenced by my own sense of insecurity or phobia, which was heightened during my time in the USA. Please keep in mind that these are my personal reflections.
No luck in relationships
Big distances also impact the dating scene in Los Angeles. You might match with someone on Bumble, only to discover that they live an hour away in a different county. While I might be willing to make the sacrifices of traveling long distances, the other person often isn’t, which can become a bottleneck in continuing the relationship. If you live in a retirement town like I did, finding potential partners locally can be even more challenging.
I’ve heard from many locals that finding a reliable partner in Los Angeles is difficult. It’s a city where people often seek to climb the social ladder or take advantage of each other. My experiences were no exception, with a small anecdote. I wanted to believe in the good intentions of the men I dated, but a committed, defined relationship was rarely on their radar. After seven years of dating, I had to close the chapter on various situationships and ready myself for something new. However, one thing that stayed with me was my hope for a brighter future.
Ironically, the funny part of my dating story is that I ended up with someone from another continent. This proves that distance isn’t an issue for those who are truly ready to build something together. So, to all the men in Los Angeles — distance is not an excuse!
On the bright side
Work, work, work
The USA is a place full of motivated people, where the wildest dreams are born. It’s like a blank canvas where anyone can come and establish something from scratch. It’s a melting pot of cultures and ideas, all driven by a common goal: to have a vision and go for it. This is exactly what you experience in the workplace as well. People are incredibly inspired to work towards shared goals, displaying amazing work ethics. It’s a pure pleasure to collaborate with such talented individuals. I’ve learned a lot about what makes a great work culture, and I definitely want to maintain what I’ve gained from that experience.
However, some criticize the work culture here as being work-obsessed, with little life outside of work. I do believe there’s some truth to that, but why would that necessarily be a bad thing? If your career is important to you, then the USA is the perfect place for you. You’ll find like-minded people everywhere. Everyone wants to pitch an idea to you, and it’s easy to get influenced by this energy and become a pitcher yourself.
I do think, though, that perhaps people spend too much time working and not enough time on hobbies or with their families. This seems to stem from a culture focused on wealth and success. People often feel they never have enough until they reach burnout. But despite this, I still find it an adventure to work in such an environment and learn from the entrepreneurial mindset that thrives here.
Nature is aaaaamazing
The natural beauty of the USA is unbeatable. With its vast expanse, the country offers an incredible variety of landscapes. Everyone can find a landscape they prefer, whether it’s spending a night under the stars or waking up to the breathtaking view of mountains with the wind in your face. For me, deserts will always be my favorite, and the USA has plenty of them. Americans love the outdoors, and it’s clear that they take full advantage of the natural wonders their country has to offer. The national parks are filled with both tourists and locals when the season hits.
For just $80, you can get an annual pass that grants you access to any national park you choose. People are eager to go on road trips, as the culture is welcoming to newcomers and even strangers. You can spend an amazing weekend wandering among waterfalls, mountains, and wild nature. For me, this is the best part of the USA, and I’d love to return for this reason.
History lesson
Traveling across the country is also like a journey back in time. I traveled solo to Santa Fe in November 2023 and was greeted by a site rich in ancestral history. I had the opportunity to visit Native American reservations, speak with locals to understand how the tribes operate, learn about their governance, and delve deeper into the history of the land. The hotel I stayed at in Santa Fe was built in the “pueblo” architectural style, inspired by the traditional dwellings of the Puebloans, or Pueblo peoples, a Native American tribe from the Southwest. The interior of the hotel paid tribute to Native American culture, evident in the paintings on the walls and the finishing of the furniture. The hotel also provided an opportunity for local people to perform in traditional Native American attire, sharing their music and culture with the guests. It was truly a unique experience.
Visiting New Orleans and New York offers a glimpse into different parts of history. New Orleans retains memories of its French colonial past when enslaved people were brought from Africa for labor and trade. The city is also the birthplace of jazz music. As you walk through the French Quarter, you’ll encounter the Old Ursuline Convent Museum, which holds a dark ghost story. It tells of the “Casket Girls,” young women brought from France on ships due to a shortage of women in the colonies. Sadly, many of these girls, after enduring the exhausting journey, were not accepted for marriage and were kept in this building.
In contrast, New York’s Ellis Island carries a different historical significance, as it is where many current Americans trace their roots. This was the entry point for countless Europeans arriving in New York. It’s unimaginable to me that so many people fled to the USA in search of money, careers, and a better life, spending days on ships, only to start life anew and contribute to building the USA as we know it today.
And for now Adios United States of America! It was a pleasure to meet you and hope to see you soon. XOXO
